Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Tourists to be fed to Goanna Lizards


TOURISTs will soon be fed to Fraser Island goannas, a Queensland critter expert has warned.

Fraser Island conservation consultant Mike West said dingo fencing has stopped wild dogs from reducing lizard numbers and despite the "do gooders" not listening to common sense the Goanna Liberation Army has decided "fuckit, let the blooming goannas just eat a few Nip tourists and then they will see some bloody common sense, quite literally", Mike laughs. "I will even sell tickets that we will save up for  a couple of tinnies and a few abo's to rip the fence up once the blooming fools see what they have done with this stupid fucking fence mate." Mike quipped to our reporter.

Goannas which can grow up to 2m in length are carnivores and their hefty tail can be dangerous when swung, much like a crocodile. Small children and dogs have been knocked down by such attacks in the past.

Fraser island is heavily populated with large goannas and they often hunt for food in groups.

"We're up to our armpits in bloody great big goannas at Kingfisher Bay and Eurong because there's no dingoes inside the fences to chase them off," said Mr West.

There have been reports of goannas entering tents on Fraser Island and climbing on to picnic tables after food.

"Goannas are dangerous," Mr West said. "They can give you a bad bite and they are likely to bite.

"I got chased by one and had to drop an Esky full of frozen tinnies on it. It's the same problem as dingoes. They are not frightened of people.

"Are they going to start shooting goannas next? They've already shot kookaburras for pecking people and they are trying to trap a crocodile off Fraser.

"Where's it all going to end?"

Mr West said the island's dingo fences were a failed stupid fucking experiment and should be abandoned.

Fences at Happy Valley and Eurong cost more than $750,000 while $150,000 was spent at Kingfisher Bay.

However, four of the past five dingo attacks had occurred immediately outside the enclosures.

A spokesman for Sustainability Minister Kate Jones said the island's dingo management strategy was being reviewed, but denied what a dumb cunt she and her crew of low IQ do gooder morons really are.

"Look matey" she bellows at our reporter, "As we work for the Government, we are not very bright to start off with, but we had good intentions about the threat of dingoes to people, we just do not have the cerebral capabilities to think of all the fucking ripple effect consequences our meddling may cause" she said.

We asked a prominent US Neurologist in New York about the IQ required to figure out basic binary ripple effects and he stated that there was some truth to that statement, "If your IQ was slightly lower than your average dead ferret"....

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Pope inspires new class of Vehicle



PRESS RELEASE

The new Hyundai i10 conversion range is set to prove popular with global religious leaders as well as the ever growing dictator market. Hyundai is proud to announce the launch of a new i10 model specifically targeted at the booming market among this class of customer.

The first demonstrator is due to be trialled by a German customer who currently resides in Italy.

The Korean manufacturer has identified that many global leaders are becoming concerned about the emissions from large limousines and have adapted 4x4 vehicles which traditionally form the basis of all presidential, papal and prime ministerial transport.

In addition, the global financial crisis has made it necessary for political and faith leaders to adopt less ostentatious lifestyles, including more cost effective vehicular solutions. As a result, Hyundai is to build a range of specially-adapted vehicles using the acclaimed i10 city car as their basis.

Powered by the new 1.2-litre Kappa engine, the special i10s produce only 119g/km of CO2 and are easier to manoeuvre among large crowds of adoring subjects.The first of this special range has just been completed by Hyundai's skilled coachbuilders. The roof of the i10 has been specially raised in order to accommodate the relevant VIP in either a standing or seated position, while the rear seats have been swapped for a single, electrically adjustable item from Hyundai's flagship Grandeur.

As a demonstration of the bespoke options available, all leather has been removed from the seat facings and the upholstery is made up of parts of a tapestry woven by monks from the Indian city of Utta Bollacs.

The cloth was nicknamed 'holy sheet' by Hyundai's specialist trimmers. Although details of the security package are confidential, this special i10 has features over and above the standard model's central locking. Part of this involves an innovative, lightweight composite armour built into the top of the car. This material, named Armour Protected Roof Integrated Lining®, was originally developed for use in offshore powerboat racing in Switzerland.

In order to meet recycling and sustainability targets, part of the armour is made from a fully organic material. The 'string' part of runner beans is actually lighter and stronger than Kevlar when woven into matting and encased in resin made from sap of the haricot bean plant. The panels of Haricot Weave Bean™ add just 25g to the weight of the i10. Hyundai's head of specialist vehicle conversions, Paul Legg, said "traditional personal movement solutions for global leaders are no longer seen as appropriate. The i10 is the perfect car for any ruler wanting to draw a line under excessive spending. "Other conversions currently being developed include a pink 32-foot stretched i10 limo being built for Ben Datroof, lead singer of top-selling Dutch boy band Pork Pie. The band's manager, Mick Etayk, said "The Hyundai will be particularly appropriate transport for the Pork Pies.

There are five boys in the band, so they'll have ten eyes in an i10!"As with all Hyundai cars, the i10 special conversions are covered by a five year, manufacturer-backed warranty which is fully transferable to new owners after general elections, military coups and early evictions from reality TV programmes. All glass is bullet proof and there is an optional performance package for religious leaders from "the other side" that includes seats made from the scrotums of saintly ex priests from around the world who passed on during the last 15 years that Hyundai has carefully acquired via top secret and probably very illegal means.