Just when some of us were pondering humane and subtle ways to effect global population control and effectively chlorinate the gene pool, along comes Airbus Industrie (AI) and the French Government (Frogs) with a solution that has been poorly hidden for quite some time now.
Well, what is it you ask?
Well folks, you are looking at it. It's called an Airbus. It does not matter which one (circa 1988), they were all designed with the same basic features and eventually deliver the same result.
If gruesome and unusual death is what tickles your gizzards, you're in luck!!
AI have just the thing for you!!
To deepen the mystery for your loved ones that you leave behind after your gruesome demise, the French secret service (Spy Frogs), in cahoots with AI officials will ensure nobody bar those select few in positions of power will ever find out what really happened.
Of course it's a ridiculous situation as we all know very well that the chances are that the ADIRU unit did it's magic once more and vexed the computer into it's rather odd and bizarre self destruct routine.
Now the interesting thing is that Boeing use these self same faulty ADIRU units from Honeywell in their fly by wire products, so the first question I am asked is how come they do not have the same issue?
Well, Boeing do not believe in taking control away from the pilot and making life ending acts that rip the tail off of their fine aircraft.
Their logic is that this is a job the pilot should be doing, not the machine. (and a fine decision that is too).
Of course (re Airbus) if you have an IQ higher than 72 it will become devastatingly clear that something about the crash is amiss, especially when you hear the drivvel that AI and the Frogs serve up as explanations.
I had no idea the French were such entertaining bullshit artistes.....It is amazingly entertaining.
Especially when they decide to pooh pooh the Brazillian Doctors autopsy findings of the 51 souls they did find from AF 447 and proclaim that the aircraft broke up when it hit the water, a pity the autopsies did not align with that fascinating and pleasant fantasy, but hey, all those jobs at Airbus cannot be put at risk with trivial issues like air disasters.......
If they (AI) like, I can conduct some interesting proof of concept tests with a couple of stiffs and a remote controlled 707 care of my pals at DERA. Should be a hoot.
Just so that you know, if you step on board one of their (AI) fine population control machines you have willingly and knowingly taunted the gods and are in effect playing a big stakes game of Russian Roulette.
If you nod off while seated on one, do not be surprised to find yourself taking a stroll through the golden fields of Elysium.
You will run into Zeus while on this happy little adventure and as a result you can safely conclude you have departed the ranks of the living once you have met with him.(He will tell you in case you don't get it, in case you were wondering).
For those wishing to give that adventure a miss you are required to pay some attention when booking your air travel. When you book your flight, look at the equipment assigned for the task.
These change all the time, but generally you can look at the assigned equipment type. Airbus aircraft are distinguished from Boeing and other aircraft by the letter A in front of the numerical designation.
Airbus aircraft in service that are classed as flying coffins are those with the infamous fly by wire control systems. I believe these are from the A320 series onwards.
Airbus 300 and 310 series models are generally quite safe if maintained well.
These are quite old nowadays so well maintained specimens are becoming rare as time marches on. Airbus have been going since 1970 btw...
When you are seated on your aircraft you can also reach into the pocket in front of you where amongst the magazines and other shite you should find the safety proceedures chart that will inform you of the series aircraft you are currently sitting on and how to get out a la Hudson.
If you notice the words Airbus and see the Alpha numeric designation A320, A340, A380 etc, breathe slowly, calm down, resolutely find your bags and stuff you came on board with (post haste), and make a beeline for the exit door before you find your body in a Post Mortem state. (This is an out of body experience btw...)
The early Airbus models (A300/310) do not sport the population control computer systems and the ADIRU unit that command the aircraft to self destruct by taking violent actions such as a violent left rudder immediately followed by a violent right rudder command.
These have proven very effective at ripping off the tail of the aircraft transporting your sorry ass. This unfortunate situation compromises cabin pressure somewhat, causing passengers to experience a rather rapid loss of consciousness (mercifully) and shortly thereafter an untimely and rather messy death.
It's just swell that this automatic feature alleviates the pilot of the final decision.
It is after all a well known fact that some kamikaze pilot types bottle out at the last moment.
As such, AI took the final decision out of the hands of the pilot in command to prevent a change of heart and drive the act to a rapid conclusion.
You know what pussy boys some of those Froggie pilot types can be....
For a demonstration of how effective this really is, in 1988 Air France arranged for Michel Asseline to show off the new feature at an airshow, you can see it here on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVZdqqPOgpw .
Effective or what folks?
Their latest population control feature comes care of a well thought out ADIRU system that may make the computer conclude that the aircraft has stalled, is at the wrong speed, at the wrong pitch or a bunch of wrong stuff all at the same time.
The computer then takes this false information and tells the airplane to do some really groovy shit without any pilot input.
Fuck - who needs a pilot anyways?
Pretty soon thereafter the message " Game over!! " Cheerfully flashes on the console screen and you then find that you are walking through the fields of Elysium with good old Zeus by your side. Cool or what?
These ADIRU units are featured on A330 type Airbuses in particular.
A320 series 100's were the forerunners of this awesome adrenaline rush airframe self destruct feature.
Now this is a bigger rush than a crazy ass roller coaster death ride like the Pepsi Max, and is becoming quite a high stakes thrill run for those who have grown tired of the rush that playing Russian Roulette gives them.(If that happens to be what makes your strings vibrate with the sheer thrill of it all)
Make sure your last will and testament with clear instructions are in the hands of your lover, lawyer or trustees so that your loved ones can be adequately provided for after you shuffle off this mortal coil in such a spectacular fashion.
For higher chances of success and more danger added to your thrill there is an airline pecking order that offer the best rush for your Euro.
Naturally, Air France got the pick of the crop, so try them first, then there are a whole bunch or arabic airlines that even the Frogs have banned from their airspace as they know fine well what will happen, and prefer it to happen somewhere else. (Preferably not in France).
Then there are some Eastern European operators, the Greeks and even the Turks to choose from.
Remember folks, when you play Russian Roulette or fly on Airbusses that adequate insurance and care for your loved ones is strongly advocated. Please play death dare games responsibly and remember, if there is a will, I want to be in it.
Seriously...
