A Touch too much

I want to raise an issue close to my heart today. The very important issue of spoons. Table spoons, teaspoons whatever spoon you care to think of in fact. I am talking about stirring spoons for liquids not mixing spoons that are designed to give your wrists a fine workout. Stirring type spoons all have a serious design flaw that people overlook, with devastating consequences to our lives affecting Quantum time and the taste of sugared beverages in particuar.

The core issue is that while one part of spoon design is wonderful and most articulate in function, the secondary use of a spoon has a devastating effect on the lifespan of your average Homo Sapien subject to the laws of gravity and Quantum mechanics in a third dimensional realm.

I recently calculated that billions of homo sapiens waste huge amounts of time stirring things with spoons starting a domino effect of unspeakably disastrous consequence.

Lets start with basic core issues here.

Firstly, the use of a spoon to stir liquids is a particularly inefficient process. Put a spoon in a wind tunnel and you will quickly see what I am talking about. Simple modifications to spoon design can very rapidly restore balance and harmony to the scales of Quantum mechanics and time, taking out all of the myriad of devastating effects that badly designed spoons bring to our lives in the process, like obesity for example.

I bet you never would have figured out that the bad design of spoons is directly responsible for 98% of all obesity everywhere in the Universe. Digest it, it is a sad but true fact. I read it in some guide to the Galaxy.

But how I hear you say does this come to be? Well consider this..

Because Spoons are not stir efficient when you add two teaspoons of sugar to your tea or coffee, vigorously stir it for a minute, taste it and then chuck yet another spoon of sugar into the mix because it does not taste quite right, you have started a trigger domino effect that will culminate in your untimely demise. It will bring you obesity, diabetes and heart disease and you will fail to carry out your life function - whatever that may be, because you are stiff, no longer a living being, muerto, deceased...you get the picture...basically as useful as tits on a bull.

That minute or two you lost stirring and adding in extra sugar to your hot beverage and stirring it again all added up together works out to be a huge amount of time. If you had an aerodynamically efficient spoon you could have completely mixed your beverage completely with 40% less sugar in 17.3 seconds flat (average).

You would be avoiding obesity and tooth decay and that coronary thrombosis will have to find another way to plot your untimely demise.

Now, you may scoff at the time aspect, but consider the average english gentleman from Yorkshire who consumes 2700 cups of tea every month. 2700 x 1 minute 17 seconds (average) = 57.75 hours. That is more than a working week. This has a devastating effect on the great scheme of things in the Universe and is costing a lot of time to the almighty who has to get you re-incarnated, re-educated, re-purposed and re-armed to pick up where you left off in your last life...Spoons are starting to piss the great one off at quite an alarming rate...it equates to a total of 3003 lost hours every year in direct time alone for each Homo Sapien on this planet. Time you need to spend figuring out how to move on to the next habitable planet or a different dimension.

Do not forget that there are some 8.4 Billion Homo Sapiens on the planet and then reach for your calculator and do some basic button pushing and you will swiftly become overwhelmed by the staggering numbers and consequences thereof.

Also, adding to the overall burden is the fact that obese people eat way too much stuff, draining our planets resources at a frightening rate, ultimately making things bad all round for everyone.

And I have not even started talking about the ladies yet.................Boy, are they a problem!! To cut a long story short, us humans have a set amount of time to get our shit together and move on to other realms of reality before Gravitational consequences bear their influence on solar mechanics, wiping out all life on earth as we know it today.

Traditional spoons are just not helping the cause any. To help with this problem I have been working with some physicists, mathematicians and those who study Quantum mechanics to come up with a solution that will put us in the right place so we can start catching up with stuff we have to do here while we are on this mortal coil.

We are in the final prototype testing phase and are ready to start manufacturing proper spoons that will tackle this insiduous problem we have. These spoons come in many designs and some of the basic starter spoon kits come in sets of two, one for scooping and another for stirring. (The Neanderthal collection).

The modern new wave spoons do it all in one. With the flick of a clicker like that on a ball point pen the round curved shiny bit becomes a flow mesh that will mix any liquid with a fine beard vortex swirl that will titillate your taste buds, save you time and prolong your sorry life by a considerable margin.

We also do industrial mixer versions so that manufacturers of breads, cakes and other sugar rich consumables are able to add less sweetener and get more taste in the process. For those still struggling with the impact let's just say less ingredients equals much better profits...

A great win win situation for everyone, but especially my bank account.

Keep looking here for news of the product launch that will change the Universe as we know it today!!