Fun in the Sun.... zzzzzt.......

MIAMI Florida: More than 40 children shocked with stun guns while visiting prisons in April may not have been the first ones zapped, a report released yesterday noted. A corrections officer told investigators she saw a similar series of "demonstrations" at a prison about five years ago......er no actually three years ago...mmmm... a year ago??? Jeez!! Actually it was jus last week Friday!!

The report included hundreds of pages of documents gathered during investigations ordered after the Department of Corrections learned children aged five to 17 had been shocked at three Florida prisons on April 23, which was the state "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work" Day.

Three employees were fired and two resigned. More than a dozen others were disciplined.

No children were seriously hurt or taken to hospitals.

At one prison, those who had been shocked were told they could be first to get hot dogs and hamburgers for lunch, according to the report. Some even asked to be shocked and laughed like lunatics afterwards.

Some children were shocked individually while others were part of a circle where children and officers held hands so the shock would be passed around. (I am sure they are just saying this to turn me on...!!)

Despite an officer's recollection of a similar demonstrations in 2003 and 2004 at a shocking Florida Panhandle prison, this year was the first time anyone reported one, spokeswoman Gretl Plessinger said.

The report also confirmed what officials had said earlier -- that some children's parents were asked for permission for their brats to get the treatment but others were not. Department of Corrections secretary Walter McNeil has said previously that even though some parents had given permission, that did not excuse officers.

Unlike a Taser, which shoots a probe that delivers a shock, the devices used at the prisons were stun guns, which work when touched to a person's skin and affect a smaller area of the body.

The result is two temporary marks that look like mosquito bites. The marks may later turn into bruises about the width of a pencil eraser.

Parents later noted that some kids appeared to have been bitten by a pair of rabid mosquito's on their genitals, but it was in fact the stun gun aftermath.......

Viva Airbus!! Viva Le France!!

Just when some of us were pondering humane and subtle ways to effect global population control and effectively chlorinate the gene pool, along comes Airbus Industrie (AI) and the French Government (Frogs) with a solution that has been poorly hidden for quite some time now.

Well, what is it you ask? 

Well folks, you are looking at it. It's called an Airbus. It does not matter which one (circa 1988), they were all designed with the same basic features and eventually deliver the same result.

If gruesome and unusual death is what tickles your gizzards, you're in luck!! 

AI have just the thing for you!! 

To deepen the mystery for your loved ones that you leave behind after your gruesome demise, the French secret service (Spy Frogs), in cahoots with AI officials will ensure nobody bar those select few in positions of power will ever find out what really happened. 

Of course it's a ridiculous situation as we all know very well that the chances are that the ADIRU unit did it's magic once more and vexed the computer into it's rather odd and bizarre self destruct routine. 

Now the interesting thing is that Boeing use these self same faulty ADIRU units from Honeywell in their fly by wire products, so the first question I am asked is how come they do not have the same issue? 

Well, Boeing do not believe in taking control away from the pilot and making life ending acts that rip the tail off of their fine aircraft. 

Their logic is that this is a job the pilot should be doing, not the machine. (and a fine decision that is too).

Of course (re Airbus) if you have an IQ higher than 72 it will become devastatingly clear that something about the crash is amiss, especially when you hear the drivvel that AI and the Frogs serve up as explanations. 

I had no idea the French were such entertaining bullshit artistes.....It is amazingly entertaining.

Especially when they decide to pooh pooh the Brazillian Doctors autopsy findings of the 51 souls they did find from AF 447 and proclaim that the aircraft broke up when it hit the water, a pity the autopsies did not align with that fascinating and pleasant fantasy, but hey, all those jobs at Airbus cannot be put at risk with trivial issues like air disasters.......

If they (AI) like, I can conduct some interesting proof of concept tests with a couple of stiffs and a remote controlled 707 care of my pals at DERA. Should be a hoot.

Just so that you know, if you step on board one of their (AI) fine population control machines you have willingly and knowingly taunted the gods and are in effect playing a big stakes game of Russian Roulette. 

If you nod off while seated on one, do not be surprised to find yourself taking a stroll through the golden fields of Elysium. 

You will run into Zeus while on this happy little adventure and as a result you can safely conclude you have departed the ranks of the living once you have met with him.(He will tell you in case you don't get it, in case you were wondering).

For those wishing to give that adventure a miss you are required to pay some attention when booking your air travel. When you book your flight, look at the equipment assigned for the task.

These change all the time, but generally you can look at the assigned equipment type. Airbus aircraft are distinguished from Boeing and other aircraft by the letter A in front of the numerical designation. 

Airbus aircraft in service that are classed as flying coffins are those with the infamous fly by wire control systems. I believe these are from the A320 series onwards.

Airbus 300 and 310 series models are generally quite safe if maintained well. 

These are quite old nowadays so well maintained specimens are becoming rare as time marches on. Airbus have been going since 1970 btw...

When you are seated on your aircraft you can also reach into the pocket in front of you where amongst the magazines and other shite you should find the safety proceedures chart that will inform you of the series aircraft you are currently sitting on and how to get out a la Hudson.

If you notice the words Airbus and see the Alpha numeric designation A320, A340, A380 etc, breathe slowly, calm down, resolutely find your bags and stuff you came on board with (post haste), and make a beeline for the exit door before you find your body in a Post Mortem state. (This is an out of body experience btw...)

The early Airbus models (A300/310) do not sport the population control computer systems and the ADIRU unit that command the aircraft to self destruct by taking violent actions such as a violent left rudder immediately followed by a violent right rudder command. 

These have proven very effective at ripping off the tail of the aircraft transporting your sorry ass. This unfortunate situation compromises cabin pressure somewhat, causing passengers to experience a rather rapid loss of consciousness (mercifully) and shortly thereafter an untimely and rather messy death.

It's just swell that this automatic feature alleviates the pilot of the final decision.

It is after all a well known fact that some kamikaze pilot types bottle out at the last moment. 

As such, AI took the final decision out of the hands of the pilot in command to prevent a change of heart and drive the act to a rapid conclusion.

You know what pussy boys some of those Froggie pilot types can be....

For a demonstration of how effective this really is, in 1988 Air France arranged for Michel Asseline to show off the new feature at an airshow, you can see it here on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVZdqqPOgpw .

Effective or what folks? 

Their latest population control feature comes care of a well thought out ADIRU system that may make the computer conclude that the aircraft has stalled, is at the wrong speed, at the wrong pitch or a bunch of wrong stuff all at the same time. 

The computer then takes this false information and tells the airplane to do some really groovy shit without any pilot input. 

Fuck - who needs a pilot anyways? 

Pretty soon thereafter the message " Game over!! " Cheerfully flashes on the console screen and you then find that you are walking through the fields of Elysium with good old Zeus by your side. Cool or what?

These ADIRU units are featured on A330 type Airbuses in particular. 

A320 series 100's were the forerunners of this awesome adrenaline rush airframe self destruct feature.

Now this is a bigger rush than a crazy ass roller coaster death ride like the Pepsi Max, and is becoming quite a high stakes thrill run for those who have grown tired of the rush that playing Russian Roulette gives them.(If that happens to be what makes your strings vibrate with the sheer thrill of it all)

Make sure your last will and testament with clear instructions are in the hands of your lover, lawyer or trustees so that your loved ones can be adequately provided for after you shuffle off this mortal coil in such a spectacular fashion.

For higher chances of success and more danger added to your thrill there is an airline pecking order that offer the best rush for your Euro. 

Naturally, Air France got the pick of the crop, so try them first, then there are a whole bunch or arabic airlines that even the Frogs have banned from their airspace as they know fine well what will happen, and prefer it to happen somewhere else. (Preferably not in France). 

Then there are some Eastern European operators, the Greeks and even the Turks to choose from.

Remember folks, when you play Russian Roulette or fly on Airbusses that adequate insurance and care for your loved ones is strongly advocated. Please play death dare games responsibly and remember, if there is a will, I want to be in it.

Seriously...

Extra!! Extra!! Read all about it - Russians with sense of humor

Russia's energy giant Gazprom has signed a $2.5bn (£1.53bn) deal with Nigeria's state operated NNPC, to invest in a new joint venture.

The new firm, to be called (NO JOKE) Nigaz, is set to build refineries, pipelines and gas power stations in Nigeria.

Analysts say the move could further strengthen Russia's role in supplying natural gas to Europe.

The agreement comes during a four-day African tour by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.

As well as forming Nigaz, Russia is keen on developing a trans-African pipeline to transport Nigerian gas to Europe.

This could further reinforce Gazprom's already-strong influence over Europe's energy supplies.

'Commodity-rich'

"Russia has a number of goals [in Africa], one of which would be to take part in a growing competition for resources and markets on the continent - mainly with China," said Yaroslav Lissovolik, head economist with Deutsche Bank in Moscow.

Sergei Novikov, a spokesman for Rosatom, Russia's state-run civil nuclear energy agency, said the Nigaz deal would lay the foundations for building nuclear power reactors in Nigeria.

Nigeria has previously said it would like to develop a nuclear power plant to address its energy shortages.

Before visiting Nigeria, Mr Medvedev spent time in Egypt.

He is also visiting Namibia and Angola - which are rich in natural resources - during his trip, as he seeks to promote Russian business interests.

"Part of the agenda is to push Russia's credentials as a representative of commodity-rich developing countries with such forums as the G8 and the G20," said Ural Sib bank's chief strategist Chris Weafer in a note to investors.

Chinese deal

Russia is not alone in seeking to secure energy deals overseas with commodity-rich nations.

Separately on Thursday, Chinese oil refiner Sinopec has made a $7.2bn bid to acquire oil exploration and producing firm Addax, which focuses on Africa and the Middle East.

If the deal is approved by regulators it would be the biggest foreign takeover by a Chinese firm.

Via italiana per Alzheimer e Parkinson

ROMA — Immaginate dei cassonetti stracolmi di rifiuti. Immaginate che il servizio di nettezza urbana sia in sciopero e che dunque non vengano svuotati. Dopo qualche giorno il contenuto comincerà a di­sturbare i cittadini, contami­nando l’aria di odori sgradevo­li, creando problemi igienici. E’ un po’ quello che avviene all’interno di ognuna delle cel­lule del nostro corpo quando non riescono a smaltire le so­stanze tossiche prodotte dalla loro stessa attività. Col tempo le scorie si accumulano e dan­no il via a una concatenazione di eventi che generano malat­tie gravissime. Dall’Alzheimer, alla Corea di Huntington, al Parkinson, alla larga serie di sindromi da accumulo (muco­polisaccaridosi, glicogenosi ecc) catalogate nel lungo elen­co delle patologie rare di origi­ne genetica. Il meccanismo alla base di questo errato funziona­mento è stato svelato dai ricer­catori del Tigem, l’istituto di Te­lethon di genetica e medicina con sede a Napoli. Ieri la pubbli­cazione dello studio su Scien­ce.

«E’ probabilmente il risulta­to più importante che abbiamo mai ottenuto, ci stiamo lavo­rando da due anni», dice An­drea Ballabio, direttore del cen­tro. Aver capito per quale moti­vo la spazzatura non viene de­gradata, cioè scomposta e poi riutilizzata per la vita della cel­lula, potrebbe portare alla mes­sa a punto di farmaci capaci ap­punto di correggere il difetto. La maggior parte delle malattie da accumulo non hanno tera­pie. Gli organi vanno in tilt. Guarigione è una parola scono­sciuta. Dalla ricerca del Tigem potrebbe maturare la soluzione non per una ma per tutte. Non bisogna illudersi però. Le ricer­che si trovano in uno stadio precoce. Adesso si passerà alla sperimentazione sugli animali e, se va bene, sull’uomo. Quan­ti anni? Due, cinque o anche 10. Tutto dipende da cattivo fun­zionamento di un gene, il TFEB, che a sua volta coordina una squadra di geni collabora­tori. E’ paragonabile a un tele­comando che può accendere di­versi schermi. L’uno e gli altri coordinano le funzioni dei liso­somi, minuscoli organelli che agiscono nella cellula come in­ceneritori (e infatti si parla in certi casi di malattie lisosomia­li).

Una specie di «cabina di re­gia ». Spiega Marco Sardiello, primo autore del lavoro: «Si è visto che quando i livelli di TFEB vengono aumentati mi­gliora la formazione di lisoso­mi e dunque la cellula si libera delle tossine. Questo è avvenu­to in particolare nel caso della proteina responsabile della Co­rea di Huntington, malattia per la quale non esistono cure». Lo studio su Science è stato dedicato a Susanna Agnelli, pre­sidente della Fondazione Te­lethon, scomparsa da poco. Con i fondi raccolti quest’an­no, 35 milioni di euro circa mal­grado la crisi, verranno finan­ziati 36 progetti. Le raccolte pri­vate sono fondamentali per so­stenere la ricerca. La Fondazio­ne per la fibrosi cistica (5 mila malati in Italia) ha lanciato la campagna «Un occhio di riguar­do ». Da luglio in vendita in far­macia occhiali firmati da Marta e Matteo Marzotto. Un euro per ogni paio acquistato verrà de­voluto alla causa.

Erotic Yodelers......

SWITZERLAND, fed up with being correctly portrayed as a tax-dodgers' paradise, is rebranding itself as a land of hunky half-naked over sexed, erotic peasants with waxed chests and glossy lederhosen.

"We want to show Switzerland in its best light, the fantastic countryside and a bit of its culture," says Tina Steinauer, who has been shooting the 2010 calendar for the Gay Swiss Farmers' Union at the village of Seegraben near Zurich.

The culture in this case, centres mainly on skimpily clad gay male farmers holding hoes or throwing around bales of hay with what appear to be cowbells stuffed into their underwear. This is apparently known as lingerie farming and is said to be very popular in the Swiss Alps.

The aim is to export the calendar and show first of all that Swiss farmers have moved on a bit since Adolf lost his marbles but also that Switzerland is not - or not just - a nation of greedy cheesy bankers.

The country has had a bad press recently, with Germany and the US criticising it for refusing to surrender the names of tax evasion suspects.

Relations with Berlin are particularly brittle. Peer Steinbruck, the German Finance Minister, stirred up sentiment in the Alps by saying that the Swiss were behaving like Red Indians - (Not yellow indians) - in flight from the US Cavalry, a reference to the way that bankers have been resisting the opening of accounts like some women resist the opening of their legs on a saturday night.

A Swiss deputy then compared Mr Steinbruck to a Nazi. The minister replied by apologising to Red Indians (not yellow indians) - they, at least, had no record of tax-dodging - but not to the Swiss.

This month Mr Steinbruck lumped Switzerland and other tax havens together with Ougadougou, the capital of Burkina Faso. This mysterious but presumably humorous gaffe was intended reference to a country that does not even figure on the OECD list of tax havens and made the Swiss boil bright red with rage.

Indeed, they apparently got so hot under the collar that they took the collar off, and did not stop there.

Auditioning for the erotic farmers' Gay calendar is now down to the final two dozen Gay Yodelers. Hundreds applied and the atmosphere was said to resemble a television talent casting show, only with goats. When it is finally shot, it will be exported to Germany, where farmers tend to be fully clothed and grumpy about milk prices.

The reason everyone is in bed by 10 PM every night in Switzerland is that Lederhosen erotica is a serious business, as Adolf Hitler can attest to from his time in Zurich back in 44 counting his stolen yiddish gold and other plunders made from rich Jewish businessmen all over Europe and his gay romps with Swissbank officials in their deepest bankvaults in the aftermath of gay orgasm and such..........

Tourists to be fed to Goanna Lizards

TOURISTs will soon be fed to Fraser Island goannas, a Queensland critter expert has warned.

Fraser Island conservation consultant Mike West said dingo fencing has stopped wild dogs from reducing lizard numbers and despite the "do gooders" not listening to common sense the Goanna Liberation Army has decided "fuckit, let the blooming goannas just eat a few Nip tourists and then they will see some bloody common sense, quite literally", Mike laughs. "I will even sell tickets that we will save up for  a couple of tinnies and a few abo's to rip the fence up once the blooming fools see what they have done with this stupid fucking fence mate." Mike quipped to our reporter.

Goannas which can grow up to 2m in length are carnivores and their hefty tail can be dangerous when swung, much like a crocodile. Small children and dogs have been knocked down by such attacks in the past.

Fraser island is heavily populated with large goannas and they often hunt for food in groups.

"We're up to our armpits in bloody great big goannas at Kingfisher Bay and Eurong because there's no dingoes inside the fences to chase them off," said Mr West.

There have been reports of goannas entering tents on Fraser Island and climbing on to picnic tables after food.

"Goannas are dangerous," Mr West said. "They can give you a bad bite and they are likely to bite.

"I got chased by one and had to drop an Esky full of frozen tinnies on it. It's the same problem as dingoes. They are not frightened of people.

"Are they going to start shooting goannas next? They've already shot kookaburras for pecking people and they are trying to trap a crocodile off Fraser.

"Where's it all going to end?"

Mr West said the island's dingo fences were a failed stupid fucking experiment and should be abandoned.

Fences at Happy Valley and Eurong cost more than $750,000 while $150,000 was spent at Kingfisher Bay.

However, four of the past five dingo attacks had occurred immediately outside the enclosures.

A spokesman for Sustainability Minister Kate Jones said the island's dingo management strategy was being reviewed, but denied what a dumb cunt she and her crew of low IQ do gooder morons really are.

"Look matey" she bellows at our reporter, "As we work for the Government, we are not very bright to start off with, but we had good intentions about the threat of dingoes to people, we just do not have the cerebral capabilities to think of all the fucking ripple effect consequences our meddling may cause" she said.

We asked a prominent US Neurologist in New York about the IQ required to figure out basic binary ripple effects and he stated that there was some truth to that statement, "If your IQ was slightly lower than your average dead ferret"....

Pope inspires new class of Vehicle

PRESS RELEASE

The new Hyundai i10 conversion range is set to prove popular with global religious leaders as well as the ever growing dictator market. Hyundai is proud to announce the launch of a new i10 model specifically targeted at the booming market among this class of customer.

The first demonstrator is due to be trialled by a German customer who currently resides in Italy.

The Korean manufacturer has identified that many global leaders are becoming concerned about the emissions from large limousines and have adapted 4x4 vehicles which traditionally form the basis of all presidential, papal and prime ministerial transport.

In addition, the global financial crisis has made it necessary for political and faith leaders to adopt less ostentatious lifestyles, including more cost effective vehicular solutions. As a result, Hyundai is to build a range of specially-adapted vehicles using the acclaimed i10 city car as their basis.

Powered by the new 1.2-litre Kappa engine, the special i10s produce only 119g/km of CO2 and are easier to manoeuvre among large crowds of adoring subjects.The first of this special range has just been completed by Hyundai's skilled coachbuilders. The roof of the i10 has been specially raised in order to accommodate the relevant VIP in either a standing or seated position, while the rear seats have been swapped for a single, electrically adjustable item from Hyundai's flagship Grandeur.

As a demonstration of the bespoke options available, all leather has been removed from the seat facings and the upholstery is made up of parts of a tapestry woven by monks from the Indian city of Utta Bollacs.

The cloth was nicknamed 'holy sheet' by Hyundai's specialist trimmers. Although details of the security package are confidential, this special i10 has features over and above the standard model's central locking. Part of this involves an innovative, lightweight composite armour built into the top of the car. This material, named Armour Protected Roof Integrated Lining®, was originally developed for use in offshore powerboat racing in Switzerland.

In order to meet recycling and sustainability targets, part of the armour is made from a fully organic material. The 'string' part of runner beans is actually lighter and stronger than Kevlar when woven into matting and encased in resin made from sap of the haricot bean plant. The panels of Haricot Weave Bean™ add just 25g to the weight of the i10. Hyundai's head of specialist vehicle conversions, Paul Legg, said "traditional personal movement solutions for global leaders are no longer seen as appropriate. The i10 is the perfect car for any ruler wanting to draw a line under excessive spending. "Other conversions currently being developed include a pink 32-foot stretched i10 limo being built for Ben Datroof, lead singer of top-selling Dutch boy band Pork Pie. The band's manager, Mick Etayk, said "The Hyundai will be particularly appropriate transport for the Pork Pies.

There are five boys in the band, so they'll have ten eyes in an i10!"As with all Hyundai cars, the i10 special conversions are covered by a five year, manufacturer-backed warranty which is fully transferable to new owners after general elections, military coups and early evictions from reality TV programmes. All glass is bullet proof and there is an optional performance package for religious leaders from "the other side" that includes seats made from the scrotums of saintly ex priests from around the world who passed on during the last 15 years that Hyundai has carefully acquired via top secret and probably very illegal means.